By: Renita Betts
From as far as I could remember I always craved acceptance. I wanted to be accepted by others and I would edit so much of myself to gain this acceptance. Call me weak, but I needed the validation. I needed the people to be around me…but not just anyone…I needed certain people.
I can't explain it but I only craved the people that were not into me. It was a twisted sort of habit but I did it for years. I spent my time, my money and integrity on these people. Some I dated I loaned my body only to beg for it once more as in the heat of the moment, I was wanted.
I could blame it on the in and out father figures, the failed promises and the comments growing up that stained my brain. I could even play on the I fact I chased a guy for years that recognizably used me until I ended it by finally noticing his toxicity. It could possibly be the people that repetitively played on my naivety. In reality the genuine reason was my discomfort level with myself.
Most of my life I always felt like I needed to fit in. I literally felt like the piece in a puzzle box that was thrown in wrong box because the owner was too lazy to place it in the correct box. I felt like I was a "decent human" repellent and in some way deserved this treatment.
While the people that hurt me continuously acted like victims I kept punishing myself as the victimizer. Once again my past could define this behavior but if I learned to see my value during that time the same type of people would have been around me and things would have been different. Pretty comical that I gave them excuses.
Yet in still some don't acknowledge the magnitude of hurt they caused me and still somehow I am the cause of blame. I did not know there is no excuse for someone to treat you like garbage. When I gave excuses to these people I colored the lines when in fact the situations were black or white, either you are for me or against me. But when you are against yourself, you are ironically working on the same team as them.
So what did I do?
I continued this insane behavior and went on a "self-discovery" journey in order to be liked. I read the books, did the work, and did all of the right mental health things for all of the wrong reasons. I was still holding myself accountable for their behavior until one day I hit bottom. I remember this day, I was feeling so irrelevant and someone dear to me said something derogatory to me. They said it as a joke but I was not in the mental space to handle this comment and I told myself I just needed rest when in actuality I was not sure if it was necessarily prominent to be alive. What is the point? These emotions caused a big nervous breakdown that landed me in outpatient counseling.
At first I was furious to be there, I confided in a friend and he told HR and the job that it would be a good idea to go on medical leave. I was in there with similar minded people but at the time I felt I was different. Over the weeks, I learned I was no different and the things I piled up in the past finally came to a head. I started writing to God that led me to have honest talks with myself. I started telling people how they made me feel, some understood it while others didn’t. Even during this I was fixated on the people that did not understand.
During this time it was a lot of crying and a lot of releasing but I could understand why I still felt so heavy. I could not even look myself in the eye in the mirror but God led me there a lot. One day he instructed me to forgive myself. Forgive me for allowing people to hurt me. Forgive me for devaluing myself. Forgive me for not standing up for myself. During that process I learned that I deserved forgiveness and most importantly God's mercy. There is nothing I did or could do to cancel out God's love. I was someone that deserved love. I forgave people I knew would never feel sorry, maybe they will never know how they hurt me but at that point it was no longer my business how other's felt about me.
I worked so hard on loving myself and it caused me to set boundaries and notice triggers. I learned that during all of that time, God comforted me and he allowed these things to happen to me to make me stronger. Even before counseling he was there constructing me into the person I needed to be. Pre-Counseling I was still on a self-discovery tour to improve some bad habits to gain human acceptance. During that time I learned how some of the things done to me was mirrored in my actions towards others causing me to be humble and apologize swiftly. By double guessing myself I learned how to check my intentions when doing something and hold myself accountable for the part I play in a situation. For every toxic friend and man I dated, I learned how to appreciate the positive people in my life and grow discernment. I know what it feels like to be trampled over so it in turn I learned how to consider people's feelings.
During and post-counseling I took all of those experiences in order to accept me as I am. Overtime, I slowly learned to build respect and love for myself. The more I respected myself the less I paid attention to pleasing others; I genuinely loved me and I was finally enough for myself.
God was preparing me for something greater and maturing me for the future plans he has for my life. My objective for sharing a portion of my heart is to encourage you today. Please know that every hardship we endure contributes to the people we are today. While going through these things is quite painful; after overcoming these situations we can look back and see how it was a part of shaping us. At one point in your life you will encounter someone going through something you went through and be a blessing to them.
Although some of my past was pretty rough I don't regret it happening, as it's responsible for me becoming the person I love today.
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