What's the first thing you think of when you hear "pregnant?" For me, it's a big round belly, and because I'm a complete narcissist the next thing I think of is people doing everything for you. What I didn't realize is that 2 out of those 2 things, don't apply to everyone.
See, I've always been ... Blessed with more. More attitude, more jokes, more friends, and oh... how could I forget? More belly. I've always been "the fat friend." And before you get your panties in a bunch I use the word fat as a descriptive word not an insult, because whether I want to believe it or not I. Am. FAT. But, now that we've got that out the way, and for the sake of political correctness (and the title of this post) I'll use the phrase "plus size."
Being Plus size and Pregnant* for lack of a better term was very much so, lackluster. My belly never got big(ger) just (a little) round(er), I never had to buy maternity clothes because my clothes still fit, no one ever offered up their seat on the bus or the train, or gave me random congratulations when I made a purchase. The little things, ... ya know. But beyond the lack of reaction, excitement, or basic acknowledgement from other people the worst of all was I developed EXTREME belly envy. Now, If you don't know what belly envy is, it's exactly what it sounds like, envy of pregnant bellies. But, beyond that, to me it meant a burning sensation in my chest when my friends posted belly pictures, or a lack of excitement for them when they posted maternity photo shoots because I still just looked... FAT. I won't lie my absolute favorite, was when I did happen to tell someone I was pregnant, or when I was due, they would reply "really?" ... As if i didn't already know it was hard to tell. And once Bug was big and strong enough to kick, my belly envy turned to rage because even if you placed your hand on my stomach, you couldn't feel it from the outside. I've always been the friend my tribe runs to when they need a non bias view, and I went through a real moral conflict while trying to still be that friend for them, while inside I was literally busting at the seams with jealousy.
But as time went on instead of being upset, it kinda became like my little secret. I stopped caring that people couldn't tell I was pregnant and basked in the reactions people gave me when I didn't give my seat up to the old lady on the train, I laughed when someone asked me to carry something and I just replied "No." I'm sure to you I'm all types of female dogs but to me it was the only way I could not be angry and more importantly I could stop being envious of allllllll (EIGHT) of my pregnant friends. Now I know my friends will read this and will text me, but that's not what this is about.
And even beyond my belly envy, there is a real negative stigma attached with being plus sized that gets even worse when pregnant, especially when it comes to dealing with your health providers. Although I love my OB with all my heart because she is a true doll, there were a few times I had to tell her she was making me uncomfortable and in some instances angry. Every meeting with my OB, or high risk provider, or anyone, my weight became the topic of discussion, as if we weren't there to see how Bug was growing and progressing, and I won't lie it kind of made me less enthusiastic to actually make my doctors appointments. The awkwardness and embarrassment that comes from a doctor asking you to "hold up your stomach" because they can't find baby on the fetal heart monitor through all my fat. Or even, the anesthesiologist who I had to kindly curse out and ask to leave the operating room while I laid numb from my epidural because he found it appropriate to wish my surgical team "good luck" when he didn't want to help them move me from the gurney to the table because I was "too big" and he "didn't want to throw his back out." All the way down to my delivery I didn't feel like a regular pregnant woman, it was always pointed out that I was not just pregnant but I was plus sized and pregnant*. I never expected for my weight to out weigh (go figure) the importance of my child's heath, or of my experience.
I feel like I missed out on the "beauty" of being pregnant, I didn't make a belly cast, or have a maternity shoot, something I dreamt of because I felt like I didn't look pregnant enough, honestly I barely took photos during one of, if not, THE most important time of my life, and this is an extreme regret of mine. In retrospect I was way too concerned with other people, which caused me to miss out on a lot of experiences, and if I could do it over I would do it differently.
But don't get me wrong, being Plus Sized and Pregnant* isn't all bad I was still able to go hang out with my friends at bars (not drinking of course) without the weird looks, I didn't have to spend extra money on bigger clothes, on days I didn't want extra
attention.. I didn't get it. There were definitely some pros.
But, I won't lie, there's still a haunting feeling like I missed something. I'm interested in hearing about other womyn's "non traditional" pregnancy experiences. Please feel free to comment below with your own stories
Author: Instagram: millennialmuvas and Blog
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